Significance
by H-MangaEnthusiast
Summary: What if Shinji's visit to Rei's apartment played out differently? It's rated T, so don't expect much.


**Warning:** This fic contains boredom unlike any other. Be advised. Though, keep in mind that I wrote this on my mobile phone… it means something, right?

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion.

-XXX-

Rei Ayanami took a sip of her tea, then placed it back on the table. She blinked. It was more bitter than it usually was. Maybe she put too much lemon?

She repeated the process. It was definitely more bitter than her previous. She would have to put less lemon next time.

She repeated the process. Maybe she could add more sugar? It would be an interesting experiment.

She continued to repeat the process until there was no more. She placed it back on its place, then rested her arms on her wooden table.

She didn't know why she decided to drink the tea instead of showering. It was unusual for her to change her schedule, however, minding her circumstances it was a logical outcome. Her throat was dry and she was in need of refreshing liquids. Her pipes were rather rusty so it wouldn't be pleasant to drink shower water. Preparing tea was an obvious choice and most satisfying substitution.

Rei looked at the behind at the bureau, the place where she held Commander's glasses.

She wondered if she should take a shower now or ignore it and start the next operation. It wasn't an easy decision. The disturbance of her schedule really did brought confusion. She wanted to clean Commander's glasses, something she usually did around this time of day, but showering was her instructed duty. It was in the manual of pilot's behaviors. It meant that commander himself instructed it, so there shouldn't be second thoughts. Showering was an obvious choice, and she would make sure that this error never happens again.

She stood up, then walked to the bathroom. The moment she touched the metal knob a voice came from the doors.

"Is anyone here…" She could hear the person knock. "Hello…"

She instantly recognized Pilot Shinji's voice. She released the bathroom knob and went to open the doors. She would have to hear him out and get rid of him as soon as possible. No more disturbances should be allowed.

She opened them slightly, just enough to see the outside with her red eye, and not enough for him to step inside if he intended to.

"Hello, Pilot Ikari," She greeted. "Is there a problem?"

"Um… hy, Rei," The boy replied in surprise. He looked like he didn't expect anyone. That was unusual. "No. There's no problem," He told her.

"Why are you here?" She asked, trying to act irritation. She failed. Her voice still sounded as normal as always. She would have to invest more time in practice.

"Oh, I just came to give you this," He replied, pulling out a key-card from his pocket. "Our old cards expired, so you'll need this one to enter NERV."

Rei looked at the key-card.

This was weird. She never got a home visit before. Sometimes S-2 agents observed her apartment's interior to check her status. Though, they did it from long distance, and they never disturbed her daily activities. There were few sellers and Jehovah's witnesses, but she ignored them all. However, this time, someone came to her house without any NERV business or agenda to profit.

She was curious. Pilot Ikari came to her house with intention to give her something. He decided to waste his own time and disrupt his schedule to make something trivial, something he could do tomorrow in school. She wasn't instructed to have any kind of relations with her co-worker. Though, she wasn't informed of new key-cards either. Maybe Commander gave new orders she wasn't informed of? It was a possibility.

There was also an option that he did it just because he wanted to do it. Somehow she doubted that he was instructed to do something so trivial. He must have done it from his own free will.

Rei took the card, then looked at the boy. "Thank you," She replied. The words of gratitude. Something she didn't use before. Something she didn't say to him even when he decided to fight in her stead. This was odd.

"No problem," He replied with a smile. "I'll be going then… sorry to bother you."

He turned to the stairs, then started walking. Rei observed his every action.

Commander Ikari wrote a manual for pilots. She memorized the whole book, and knew a lot about how pilots should operate around each other. If pilot Ikari did something for her of his own free will, then she should respond in the same manner. It was logical and excused by Commander's own words.

"Do you want to come in?" She asked the boy that already stepped on the first stair.

Shinji stopped, then turned. "Um…I'd rather not. I don't want to be a bother… or anything."

"I wouldn't mind," She replied, opening the doors fully. "I have tea."

"Oh… Ok…" He replied, then walked up to her.

-XXX-

"You don't clean often… now do you? "

"It's unnecessary," Rei replied, then took a sip of her tea. Commander's glasses were the only valuable item worth of preservation in her apartment, and they were safely contained in the box on the bureau.

Shinji forced a smile, masking the disgust he felt when he glanced around. The place was just awful.

"You know, I could clean this for you," He said, struggling to keep the cheerful expression.

"It's unnecessary," Rei replied. "If I wanted I would request someone from NERV to do it."

"I think you should really consider doing that, "

The girl nodded. This was an awkward situation, she realized. Pilot Shinji was probably feeling unwell in her messy apartment. Not to mention that she didn't take a shower since last Angel attack, which was few days ago. Once again, the disruption of her routine did her no good. She wondered why she invited him inside in the first place.

"We never really talked much," He said nervously.

Pilot Ikari is trying to initiate conversation, she realized. He's either being really polite ignoring the smell or he didn't notice anything. She knew how possible the second possibility was, so she decided to keep her distance and be grateful.

She nodded.

"I'm just curious a-and always wanted to ask you... I know that you've been in NERV for a long time, but how do you deal with Angels, Evangelions and all that…"

She took a moment to analyze his question. Killing Angels and piloting Unit 00 was her only designated purpose and duty in this world. Commander Ikari said so, so it was absolute. She knew that she was created for it, and that it was the only thing she was ever asked and needed for, but she had no progress whatsoever. Pilot Ikari was the one fighting the Angels while she remained in the medical department. In other words: she was useless.

The image of Commander's glasses appeared in her head. She didn't know why. She felt strange.

"Unit 00 is currently under reconstruction." She replied after a brief pause. "My synchronization is holding at 30%. It will be sufficient to operate, so I believe that I'll be able to assist you in the next battle without any difficulties."

"Um… I'm glad to hear, b-but I didn't ask that." Shinji replied. "What I meant to ask was: How are you feeling about that? Are you scared of it? Disturbed? Something like that?"

This was an unusual question, and Rei doubted that she could answer it properly. How she felt? Scared? Disturbed? Those were just emotions she was never bothered by. Commander Ikari said that there was no place for emotions on the battlefield. He told her that many times. She knew everything there was to know about piloting, and she had a lot of spare bodies in case she died on duty. There was no reason for concern. It wasn't logical.

Pilot Shinji asked about her. Not about her well being or about her progression. This was the second time anyone showed concern about her psychological state. It was unusual. Commander Ikari asked her that when he saved her. Though, it was a question about her mental state because of the possible metal contamination. Commander Ikari usually asked her about synchronization and her medical state. She appreciated it. Though, she never got a question about her emotional state. She felt weird.

"I don't," Rei replied. "There is no need for concern."

"Then I must be terrible judge of character," Shinji replied, rubbing the back of his head.

The girl blinked. "I don't understand."

"It's nothing really. I just… I don't know. You always seemed so distant and fragile for some reason… so I always thought that this bothered you a lot. Wrong impression. Sorry."

Rei never really thought about how other people perceived her based on her outlook and behavior, and she wasn't sure if it was normal to show concern for someone only because of one's appearance. Commander Ikari never showed any interest. It was logical because he already knew everything about her.

"It's only natural because we don't know each other," She replied.

"Probably," He said. "I don't know how you manage to deal with all of that, but I am jealous. I get scared a lot."

She noticed that Pilot Ikari showed a lot of negative emotions during Angel battles. It was, in a way, her fault. She got injured and left him to battle the Angels alone in her stead. She decided that she would try to provide him with help in the next operation, and redeem her incapacity.

"Scared of dying?" She asked him.

"Pretty much…"

"There is no need to be afraid of that," She said.

"I think there are a lot of reasons to be…"

"No." She replied. "You won't die because I will protect you,"

"Umm… thank you…" Shinji replied in confusion. He couldn't help but to feel like he was talking to an ancient samurai instead of fourteen year old girl. "But no thank you."

The girl blinked. She was confused.

"I appreciate your words," He continued, "But I don't want anyone to die or get hurt in my stead. It wouldn't be right."

"I wouldn't mind," She said. "You are proven to be more capable pilot than I am. If I die or get hurt there wouldn't be as much consequences as there would be if you died. It's logical."

"But you're dead… you died for someone you just admitted you don't know."

"It's ok. I'm replaceable." She said, then took a sip of her tea.

Shinji inspected her face for a second. How could she be so calm saying that? Confused, he shook his head.

"That's not true,"

"It is," She corrected. "There are a lot of replacements."

"But it's not you then. You die,"

True. Soul transmitting is not perfected. There would always be certain complications with possible memory loss. It was probably enough to change her current persona. It wouldn't be her anymore. Once she heard Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki calling it a reset. It was a good name for it.

"True. But it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," He snapped. "How can you just say that your own life has no value?"

"It has as much value as I decide to place on it," She replied.

It wasn't a correct answer, she realized. She never really thought how important her life would be on an imaginary scale. She was a pilot. That made her more important than a lot of people. She knew that she was valuable to Commander Ikari and to all people of this world. Though, that would mean that she estimated her own value based on other's expectations of her. Not her own.

Shinji shook his head. "But what makes you think that your life has less value than someone else's? Me, for example. Why do you think that my life is more valuable than your own?"

"It's logic…" She paused. Logic wasn't an argument. No. It didn't even need to be logical. It was that way because Commander said it. It was necessary to achieve his goal. If that's what he wanted, then it wasn't debatable. That's how it worked.

"It's my duty," Rei replied after a pause. It was an only sensible answer she could give him.

"Your duty is not to die," He said. "And I would appreciate if you don't die in my stead."

"I will if I am ordered to?" She replied.

"But you're not a puppet," He snapped at her, then paused. She didn't say a word. He sighed and relaxed, taking a sip of his tea. It was cold. "You may think that we are soldiers… well, we are in a way," He continued, placing it back in its place. "And yes, death will come for us one way or another. I think about that a lot. More than I should… I guess." He shook his head. "But there's a difference between dying on a duty we chose and dying because we were told to."

Rei just blinked. She didn't know how to respond. His logic was something else from Commander's. This was the first time in her life that she debated something, and she didn't know how. She remained silent. Her face remained unchanged.

Shinji frowned. "I don't know what makes you so determined. I really don't… I am scared all the time. I hate Evangelions, and I'm afraid of dying, and yet… I don't understand… I pilot because I don't have a choice. I hate that responsibility… I really do… But why did you choose to pilot Evangelion?"

Choose? She didn't choose to pilot. She was born to pilot. She was created to pilot. It was her purpose. It was her way of connecting with people, connecting with Commander Ikari, connecting with Pilot Shinji. She piloted to achieve Commander's goal. It was her life.

The image of Commander's glasses appeared again. She didn't know why.

"I was raised to do it," She replied. Again, the only answer she could give him.

"Then…" He hesitated. "Were you raised to die?"

No. She was created for a reason, a very important reason. She had a duty to fulfill. Her existence was important. It was important because… it had a use. It was important because it had a use. It was important because a lot of people depended on her success. Commander Ikari depended on her.

She was on a train.

Commander gave her a purpose and brought her to life. He thought her everything she needed to know. She appreciated it. She accepted his goal willingly. It was the only thing for her.

She could hear the screaming rails, the sound of engine. The train was moving at full speed.

Rei noticed that she was not alone. The boy with clouded face sat in front of her. She looked at his face, but she couldn't see it. The orange light blinded her every time she looked, but she knew it was Shinji. Or that it appeared to look like Shinji. She was confused. She felt weird again.

"_You were born to be used?_" The boy with Shinji's voice asked her.

"I don't know," She replied.

Her existence was important because it had a use, she repeated to herself. Not because she placed a value on it. It's because others placed value on it.

"_Are you a doll?_" He asked her.

"I don't know," She replied after a pause.

She didn't know. She wished she wasn't, but she didn't know. Did she lie to herself the whole time? Has she ever done something just because she wanted to do it? Or was she always waiting for Commander's approval?

"_Why did you take the glasses?_" He asked.

They were her precious possession. Commander wore them when he saved her. She adopted them, cleaned them, and played with them. It was her way to show appreciation to Commander Ikari's efforts.

_You always seemed so distant and fragile for some reason, _she remembered.

The train was going even faster. The light was even brighter. She opened her mouth to reply.

"_Wrong!_" The boy interrupted her.

She never said anything. Was it reading her mind?

"_Wrong!_" He repeated, then grinned. "You are really close to your answer."

She didn't understand. Where was she? Why was he smiling at her?

"Tell me. Please?"

"_Soon…_" He replied, then disappeared from her sight.

The light blinded her.

She blinked. She was sitting in her chair again. Her apartment was same old. Shinji sat across her, waiting for her reply. His face was clear again. She could finally see his expression. His face resembled something that was worry, or at least something she found close to that.

"No," She replied to his question. "I don't believe that I was raised to die. I was raised to pilot Unit 00, and to protect the earth from Angels."

"Then promise me one thing,"

She remained silent.

"Don't die for me. Promise me you won't do that, or if someone asks you to do it," He demanded. "…It would be sad, and I wouldn't want that."

"I'll think about it." She replied after a pause.

Shinji sighed, then took a final sip of his tea. This conversation couldn't get more awkward.

Rei looked behind her back, at the place where she kept the glasses. _What was the answer_, she asked herself repeatedly. She still felt dazed by her previous… encounter.

"I'm sorry, but it sounds strange…" Shinji said suddenly.

"What sounds strange?" She asked, shifting her gaze back on him.

"Being raised to pilot… I can't even imagine what it's like. I mean, being trained from small age."

"It was a very efficient and productive training." She replied, then moved her attention back to the glasses on the bureau.

He nodded without understanding. He didn't want to go far with that one.

"I know that it's important and all… but it's just a job… you know,"

Rei nodded in agreement, not looking back this time. Shinji shook his head. She didn't figure the thing he was aiming for.

"I mean, do you ever think about your future after we defeat the Angels?" He asked.

She didn't. It was insignificant. Piloting Unit 00 was her job, and fulfilling Commander's goal was her purpose. She had nothing else. And after that nothing would matter.

"No," She replied simply, still observing the glasses. "I never thought about it."

He nodded.

"Do you?" The girl asked. She didn't even know why she asked. She acted on a whim, even though she knew what his future was.

"I was planning to become professional cellist... or something like that… I'm not sure."

The silence swallowed the room.

Shinji observed her. She was still looking at that black box. He didn't know what it was, but he didn't want to intrude. He knew that the only way to continue this conversation with Ayanami was to continue with asking questions. The girl wasn't really talkative. He knew that much.

He took a deep breath.

"You said that you were raised to pilot." He said.

The girl nodded.

"Do you believe that piloting is your reason for living?"

It was, she concluded. There wasn't anything else.

"I believe so." She replied.

"Ayanami, may I ask you a personal question?" Shinji asked, breaking her chain of thoughts.

She shifted her gaze back on him. "You may."

"Are you a happy person?"

Happy? She never thought about it. Being happy was something alien to her? She doubted that she ever experienced it either. She read a lot about it. Though, she could never connect to it.

"I don't know," She replied. "Do I need to be?"

Shinji sighed. He wasn't prepared for this kind of conversation. It was strange to see Ayanami unfocused. She probably lost an interest in conversation. He could be bothering her.

Shinji rubbed the back of his head, making a silly face. "I think we should leave this for a next time. I stayed longer than I should… Misato will get worried."

"You are leaving?" The girl asked.

She was confused, and didn't find his arguments for departure plausible. Maybe he finally noticed the smell?

He rose from his chair, and went for the doors.

Rei observed him. He placed his hand on the knob. He opened the doors. A noise from the rails was fading from her mind. He mustn't leave, she decided. Not now. She didn't know the answer yet. He was important. She knew that he was connected. He mustn't leave.

"Would you like to see something?" She asked him.

He stopped midway, looked at her, then closed the doors. He was not sure what to think anymore.

"Sure," He replied.

The girl rose from her chair and walked up to the bureau. She picked the box, then walked back to him. She opened it for him to see.

He observed them, and she awaited his response. She felt weird. She wanted to make him say something as soon as possible. The rails went insane. It was odd.

"They are broken," He said finally.

Rei blinked. His remark was irrelevant. It was not what she needed.

"They are very precious to me," She said.

"They belonged to my father, right?" Shinji asked, still observing the glasses.

She nodded.

"I-I think I understand," He said after a pause.

She didn't. He had to tell her. The train was going insane.

"U-um… it may sound stupid…"

"I wouldn't mind." She said, getting closer to him.

He had to move his gaze somewhere else. She was dangerously close, and it was more embarrassing than it should be.

"I think I have something similar like you," He started, feeling a bit embarrassed. "I also have one precious item, my SDAT. I had it for a while… 10 years more or less." He gulped. "I always kept it with myself for some reason. I mean, I kept it because it was significant… it belonged to my mother. I thought that it was my reminder of her existence and her love for me… but I don't think it's really true. I know that I'm just pretending. I realized that through all those years of listening to it. I... I don't remember her. I don't know how she looked or how she treated me. I guess I'm just… connecting with the object, trying to imagine it, pretending that I'm cherishing her memory when I actually envy it. I don't know… I guess it kind of represents myself, and my desire for love and acceptance- umm. I mean… I know it sounds really stupid and cheesy but-"

"I don't think it's stupid." Rei interrupted.

"Huh. Thank god then. I thought that I started to babble nonsense,"

She closed the box and placed it back on the bureau.

"It was most helpful," She said.

"It was?" He wondered. He even blushed a bit. "Well, I'm glad to help."

She nodded.

"It's really late, and I should be going."

The girl nodded, slower than before.

Shinji walked to the doors, and she followed. They separated at the entrance. He stepped outside, and she remained still, holding the doors for him.

"Well, see you in the school tomorrow," He waved with a smile.

"Ok," She replied, returning the gesture.

Shinji tuned, then sighted. He started to walk down the stars. This was definitely one awkward meeting. He never really imagined that their first conversation would end up like this. Though, for some reason he didn't felt disappointed. He hoped they were friends now.

He turned back. She was still standing at the doors, looking at him leaving, and she- Mother of god. His jaws dropped. She was smiling.

He turned; trying to hide his blush, then shook his head. He started to walk faster, and soon slipped out of her sight. He reached the bottom of her apartment complex in few seconds, then sat down on the metal stair, trying to catch his breath. The image of Rei smiling never left his head. He relaxed. He took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. He changed his previous statement. He hoped that they could start as friends.

-XXX-

Rei closed the doors, then moved to pick up the glasses.

She held them for the first time today. She didn't clean them like she used to. She didn't play with them like she used to. She didn't wear them like she used to. She was glad. She didn't need any of that anymore.

She finally got her answer. She realized what glasses truly meant to her.

Nothing.

They meant nothing.

They were an existence created with purpose. They were worn, broken, and then thrown away, but there was always a new pair ready for use, ready to replace the previous. The broken glasses are indeed nothing. The same goes for humans, she realized. When we die we are just bodies, lifeless forms that once existed. What we were continues to exist only in other's memories, but in the end no one remembers the broken glasses. Only Rei remembered. She took them, cleaned them, and wore them again, but it was still pointless. They were what they were: broken, unneeded, unwanted, her, Rei.

Shinji was right. They were both just pretending. Maybe Shinji didn't realize the real significance of their items, but she would be more than willing to explain it to him.

She didn't pick them because she felt grateful. She did it because she saw herself in their broken existence. Commander treated her like glasses. She couldn't deny it any more. It was clear now. He would give her the same end glasses suffered.

Following his logic would do her no good, she decided. She knew what she had to do. She realized what she wanted to do. She wouldn't suffer the same fate as the glasses did.

No.

She had to do this. She regretted letting Shinji go. This couldn't wait any longer. This is what she wanted to do. She would do it now.

Her grip hardened.

-XXX-

Misato closed the apartment doors.

"This is odd," She muttered. "Hey, Shinji," She shouted. "You got a mail… and it's strange."

Shinji stepped in from his room.

"Really? What is it?"

"I am not sure," The woman replied. She walked up to him, then handed him the pieces. "Those were probably glasses… before someone smashed them with a hammer, and then threw them from hundredth floor, only to smash them again. Do you have business with local mafia or something?"

"No," He replied, his gaze still locked at the pieces. He recognized what they might have been. "That was everything?"

"Oh yeah," She pulled a piece of paper from her vest. "It came in this paper… oh, look… there's something written on it."

"I'll take it," He said, snatching it from her hand. "Thank you, Misato-san."

"Hey," She huffed.

"Sorry… it's probably important." He replied, giving her an apologetic smile.

She frowned.

He went back inside his room, sliding the doors behind him.

He accommodated the crinkled paper, making it readable again. He read it, then lauged.

There was only one line written: _I will promise you not to die if you give me your SDAT player._

-XXX-

Rei put the SDAT player back on the bureau, at the place Commander's glasses once occupied.

She was tired. She took off her clothes, then collapsed on her bed.

She never looked away from her new possession. Shinji's SDAT was much more valuable item. It held much more significance to her than glasses ever would. She felt weird watching them, but she decided that she liked the weird. Somehow, she felt like it was rightfully hers.

Pilot Ikari replied with one line: I hope that now your apartment holds two things precious to you.

It did. His SDAT was a very precious item. The value of second thing was yet to be estimated.

From now on, she decided to listen to another Ikari. There were a lot of things she had to do, a lot of things she had to think about.

Rei closed her eyes.

She decided to follow a new goal. She would follow his wishes. She would help him in battle and keep her promise. She would make sure that he wasn't scared, and when the time comes she would give him the world.

* * *

The End. Because some of you like to follow one-shots. ;P Personally, I don't mind...

AN: Rei, how do you feel being the one sitting on the other seat on that crazy train? Oh, well. I believe that I managed to put the whole Rei development through the series in one fiction. I mean, my vision of her development. (let's be honest, there wasn't that much Rei in the series, so there isn't that much development) I don't know if you noticed, but every question Shinji asked or what he said showed one part of her development through the series, in chronological order, even the ending, especially the ending! That means something, right? I liked how she turned out. Instead of waiting for Gendo's approval she turned to fulfilling Shinji's wishes. In other words: EoE. It seems so Rei-like, and I'm really satisfied with the ending. I liked how they exchanged their objects… too much sweet symbolism right there. :P All in all, I'm satisfied, even though it probably sounded too cheesy and forced. I dunno. You decide.

What I think you may ask me: You think Shinji wasn't aware of SDAT's significance? Me neither. Though, it's possible if someone is guiding you, or if you just say it out loud. Imagine the situation when professor is leading you to the correct answer. It's something like that. Probably. Though, we never heard what he thought about his SDAT. So, I decided not to care.

Somewhere on the start he didn't ask her why she's piloting. She asked her: Why did you choose to pilot it? That's so much different.

And yes, thank you for all your reviews on my previous one-shot. I was working on school life drama, but I sadly lost the whole progress… sad. Anyway. I'll probably do one Asuka one-shot…

That's it from me… This fic was probably a mixture of some half-assed essay about character exploration, and some terrible waff that I just had to put in to make it non-essay. Hope you liked it. If not… I understand. This was too short, too unrealistic and too boring for my own taste. I think that my first one was better…


End file.
